you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
