Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
