I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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