Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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