I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
