I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
