Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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