Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
