I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
