I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Is it because I queefed?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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