Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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