The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
