I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
