Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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