Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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