So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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