It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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