There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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