I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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