if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize
