Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Randomize