I can text with my tongue
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
