I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My life is pants optional.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
