anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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