Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
