so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
