definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
