Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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