I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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