So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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