My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
