life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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