The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
