put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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