Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We are all done wearing pants today
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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