I wish I could teleport
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My ass is underappreciated
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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