that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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