His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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