Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
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