i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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