You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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