Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
