Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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