He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
