Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
