So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
