Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
