you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
