I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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