I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
