the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize