I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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