I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
