My sheets look like a crime scene.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
