i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
im calling her cock vulture from now on
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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