Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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